So David Attenborough is warning everybody that the butterfly numbers are dwindling?
What on earth are we supposed to do about this? here is your definitive guide to helping out with the butterfly crisis
- Go and buy a butterfly catching net.
- Allocate time today to nip out to your local woods and hide in a bush
- catch one female rare butterfly and one rare male butterfly
- Put them both in a well ventilated jar with romantic flower petals
- Wait for the babies to arrive
- Have a party to celebrate the new arrival and dont forget to tweet your contribution to the butterfly crisis.
Ridiculous right?
Even if I do manage to catch a couple of rare butterflies during my tea break this afternoon then the next problem will be …….which is the male and which is a female?
What does a butterfly dick look like anyway?
I wont mention the other half of this genitalia partnership with the female because that would be plain rude.
Anyway…. dont butterflies come from worms or something like that?
Mental health.
So the BBC puts out this big depressing story about how I might never see a butterfly again and leaves me with no crisis hotline. Where is the phone number for counselling? Are we supposed to get over this on our own or what? No solutions, no recommendations for personal action, just a big black story about dead butterflies.
Well thanks a lot Attenborough.
Of course I am just being a little bit awkward here. I am pretty sure I can come up with a plan to get over this catastrophe. Firstly I need to realise that when all the butterflies are gone this will make them imaginary.
How to get over an imaginary dead butterfly
- Go and dig a hole somewhere.
- Take an old can out of the bin….
- Persuade yourself it is in fact a dead butterfly
- Throw it in the hole
- bury it
- Say a few nice words
- Grieve
- Throw a party and call it a wake.
By doing this you allow yourself to go through a natural process of grief as you would with any dead guy.
Alternatively….
- Firstly, make sure you realise that you never actually had a close relationship with that dead guy right?
- Agree you are over reacting
- Go and make a sandwich.
If you are seriously struggling to get over todays very very bad news then please do tell us all about that.
Heres a random song about the butterfly effect.
Listen to: Monster in my boxers
Have a wonderful day.
Basil Simon-musical life coach
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